Hi Guys, Andrew here. Just a brief explination before we start the story. I decided to do something a bit different this month! It’s always been a dream of mine to write for television, and despite the fact that I have no hollywood contacts I wrote a half-hour comedy pilot. In a sense this is still a work in progress. There are no camera directions and were I to actually submit this to get a job there would be a few more drafts and I’d beg my funny friends for notes. Still I’m really proud of how it turned out and I think you guys will like it!
SCENE 1
INT. TOM’S BEDROOM – DAY
ALARM SOUNDS. TOM SITS UP IN BED. HE’S 20-SOMETHING AND GOOD LOOKING IN A CARELESS SORT OF WAY. HE’S WELL RESTED AND PEPPY.
TOM
Ok! Let’s do this!
MUSIC BLARES AS TOM RUNS THROUGH HIS MORNING ROUTINE. HE DOES
PUSH UPS, SHOWERS, BRUSHES HIS TEETH. IN ADDITION TO PUTTING A WALLET AND KEYS IN HIS POCKET HE PICKS UP A 6-MONTH CHIP FROM AA.
TOM LEAVES THE ROOM.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
TOM’S DAD SITS AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE DRINKING JUICE AND
SCROLLING ON HIS IPAD. TOM ENTERS VIA STAIRWAY.
TOM
Morning dad, what’s the word?
DAD
Everything is on fire and it’s everybody else’s fault. Want an egg sandwich before you head out?
TOM
No time dad, I figure I should get to the office early, I’m sure there will be a mountain of paperwork I have to do.
DAD
Listen kid I’m proud of you for finishing rehab and staying sober. But don’t feel like you have to rush things if you aren’t ready to get back to work. I want you to know you’ve
got no pressure from me. I love having you back in the house… especially these days.
TOM
I appreciate you looking out for me and everything, but I gotta start living some kind of life again. Besides I’ll be in the mailroom, on my salary I won’t be able to afford to move out until they start making apartments out of Styrofoam.
DAD
It’s not just your sobriety kid. I’ve been reading up on this Drake Corporation and there’s something off about them. I can’t even tell what kind of business they deal in, but I think they’re into some pretty shady stuff.
TOM
Come on dad, it’s a job! Even if they sell baby seal teeth to Somali pirates it’s not like there are a lot of companies looking to hire the guy who went viral for his drunken break down.
CUT AWAY TO TOM DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK WHILE DRINKING BEER HE’S LAUGHING BUT THERE ARE SCREAMS IN THE BACKGROUND
DAD
Alright, alright, I’m just doing my fatherly due diligence. At least take a cup of coffee.
DAD OFFERS A TRAVEL MUG TO TOM WHO TAKES IT AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
TOM
Thanks dad I’ll see you tonight!
DAD
Love you, kid.
TOM EXITS.
SCENE 2
EXT. DRAKE CORPORATION –DAY
TOM LOCKS HIS TEN SPEED UP OUTSIDE AN IMPOSING SKYSCRAPER.
THERE ARE GARGOYLES AND SUCH DECORATING ITS EXTERIOR. OMINOUS GREGORIAN CHANTING PLAYS. TOM LOOKS UP INTIMIDATED, BUT SQUARES HIS SHOULDERS AND ENTERS.
INT. DRAKE CORP LOBBY –DAY
INSIDE THE DRAKE CORP IS FANCY IN DRACONIAN SORT OF WAY.
MARBLE FLOORS. VICTORIAN ERA PAINTINGS DECORATE THE WALLS. NO
PLANTS, PLUSH CHAIRS. TOM HEADS TOWARD A MASSIVE RECEPTION
DESK. THE WORDS “DRAKE CORPORATION” ARE EMBLAZONED ON THE DARK WOOD PANELED WALL BEHIND IT. THE RECEPTIONIST IS WEARING HEAVY HOODED ROBES. TOM HOLDS UP A STICKY NOTE AND LOOKS NERVOUS.
TOM
Umm… Hi… I’m looking for the mail room… room one forty seven.
THE RECEPTIONIST SAYS NOTHING BUT POINTS TO HER LEFT WITH A GNARLED HAND. THE OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES
TOM
Um… Thanks
TOM SHUFFLES OFF THE WAY THE RECEPTIONIST POINTED
INT. HALLWAY –DAY
TOM IS CLUTCHING HIS STICKY NOTE AS HE WALKS HESITANTLY DOWN A
DARK HALLWAY. LIGHTS FLICKER THE SOUND OF WATER DRIPPING AND RUSTY MACHINERY IN THE DISTANCE. A SUSPICIOUSLY HAIRY FIGURE IN A JANITOR’S UNIFORM AND HAT PUSHES A MOP BUCKET BY TOM AND GROWLS CAUSING TOM TO JUMP.
TOM
S-sorry.
TOM CHECKS A COUPLE OF DOORS UNTIL HE COMES TO ONE LABELED
“MAILROOM.” WITH A SIGH OF RELIEF HE TURNS THE KNOB AND ENTERS.
SCENE 3
INT. MAILROOM –DAY
THE MAILROOM IN STARK CONTRAST TO THE HALLWAY. IT’S WELL-LIT AND FEELS COZY. THE FURNITURE IS RUN DOWN BUT LOOKS COMFORTABLE. STACKS OF PACKAGES AND PIECES OF MAIL COVER JUST ABOUT EVERY SURFACE. NO ONE APPEARS TO BE IN THE OFFICE.
TOM
Hello… is anybody here?
GARRY EXPLODES FROM A PILE OF LETTERS WHERE HE’S APPARENTLY MADE A NEST. HE’S WEARING PAJAMAS WITH SPACESHIPS ON THEM. TOM JUMPS AND USES A TIME SLOT APPROPRIATE EXPLETIVE.
GARRY
Dinosaurs ate my diorama
TOM
Garry! What the hell are you doing man?
GARRY
Tom? Tom! It’s your first day! What are you doing in my apartment? You should be at work… wait! I should be at work!
TOM
Garry! Garry! Chill out man! You are at work.
GARRY
Oh… Right… Cool!
TOM
Did you sleep here?
GARRY
Yeah, my apartment’s being fumigated.
TOM
Why were you hiding under a pile of letters?
GARRY
It gets cold down here at night!
TOM
Yeah and the hallway looks like something out of a Freddy Krueger movie! Why didn’t you just crash at my place?
GARRY
Well, I was gonna call you, but I left my phone in the apartment so I tried to hold my breath, but I couldn’t find it and got a lungful of roach poison and wound up here.
TOM
You’ve gotta start taking better care of yourself, buddy.
GARRY
Don’t tell me what to do!
THE DOOR OPENS AND A TALL FIGURE ENTERS WITH HANDS THRUST INTO THE POCKETS OF HIS TRENCH COAT. A HAT AND TURNED UP COLLAR HIDE HIS FACE.
GARRY
Morning Clarence!
CLARENCE MUTTERS HELLO BUT DOESN’T SLOW DOWN. HE DISAPPEARS BEHIND A DESK WITH A MOUNTAIN OF LETTERS ON IT. TOM MOVES TOWARD CLARENCES’ DESK TO INTRODUCE HIMSELF.
TOM
Hi Clarence! I’m Tom, the new guy. It’s…
THERE’S A SHOT OF A TENTACLE SNAKING ITS WAY THROUGH THE LETTERS TOWARDS TOM WHO REMAINS OBLIVIOUS. GARRY GRABS TOM’S ARM
GARRY
Clarence doesn’t like new people… or any people really… maybe just let him get settled in before the introductions.
TOM
Oh… Um, okay then.
THERE’S A CRASH FROM THE HALL AND KAREN STUMBLES IN CARRYING A PAIR OF BLACK HIGH HEELS. SHE FALLS INTO TOM’S ARMS. (make this clearer)
KAREN
Don’t know why I thought I could pull these off!
TOM
Well you’re very pretty… I mean they’re very pretty.
TOM HOISTS KAREN TO HER FEET. HE’S OBVIOUSLY A BIT SMITTEN.
KAREN
So, who are you then?
TOM
Oh. I’m Thomas… Tom. Nobody calls me Thomas… I’m the new guy. Uh, Garry recommended me!
KAREN
Oh right, I forgot you were coming in today. Well, Tom No One Calls Me Thomas, I’m
Karen, I run this madhouse. Welcome aboard. Glad to have you, the last guy left us in a real lurch.
GARRY
Poor Reggie.
KAREN AND GARRY LOOK SAD FOR A MOMENT.
TOM
What happened to Reggie.
GARRY
He displeased Mr. Lurch in accounting, so Lurch…
KAREN
Fired him! Mr. Lurch fired him… Garry why are you wearing pajamas?
GARRY
Casual Friday?
KAREN
It’s Monday. Did you sleep here again?
GARRY
NO!
KAREN
Should I ask Mr. Luna for the security tapes?
GARRY
(SAYS THE WORDS) Sputter sputter adlib… I’ll go get changed.
GARRY EXITS
KAREN
So Tom, welcome to the team. We’ll have you at that desk over there. Have you met Clarence yet?
CLARENCE
We met!
KAREN
Good Morning Clarence! Clarence likes to be mostly left alone. Great guy though… So before you get settled in, have you been by HR yet, Tom?
TOM
Oh, was I supposed to go there first?
KAREN
Oh no, you’re perfect… I mean it’s no big deal. We just can’t pay you until you get your contract signed.
TOM
Oh I should get on that then!
KAREN
Just head back down the hall, it’s the last door on the left before you get back to reception, and ask for Cheryl.
SCENE 4
INT. HALLWAY –DAY
TOM FINDS THE DOOR MARKED HUMAN RESOURCES. HE OPENS THE DOOR
TO REVEAL A LITERAL LABYRINTH OF CUBICLES. EACH ONE HAS A NAME ON THE OUTSIDE SO TOM STARTS WANDERING THROUGH. EVERY CUBICLE HAS SOMEBODY WORKING IN IT. EVERYONE LOOKS VERY BUSY.
TOM CANNOT FIND CHERYL’S DESK AND IT BECOMES QUICKLY APPARENT THAT HE IS NOW LOST. HE POKES HIS HEAD INTO A CUBICLE AND FINDS A MAN WORKING AT A COMPUTER.
TOM
Excuse me sir, I’m new and I was told to talk to Cheryl. Could you point me towards her?
THE MAN SWIVELS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR AND STANDS, HE’S GIANT AND
RED-BEARDED
REGINALD
AH! Fresh blood! Welcome to the maze of human resources where even the most stalwart of travelers may find themselves in distress. I am Reginald, inputer of data and guardian of information. How may I be of service?
TOM
Nice to meet you, I’m Tom, uh, sorter of mail. I’m looking for Cheryl.
REGINALD
Ah yes, you are undertaking a journey every new vassal of the Drake Corp must undertake. The one you seek is yonder.
REGINALD POINTS TOWARD THE FAR SIDE OF THE MAZE TO A CORNER
WITH FLUORESCENT LIGHTS FLICKERING LIKE LIGHTNING. THUNDER CRASHES. TOM GULPS.
TOM
That’s not menacing at all.
REGINALD
Fear not brave coworker for I will draw ye a map.
REGINALD DRAWS AND HANDS TOM A MAP ON PARCHMENT
REGINALD
Good luck young sir, God go with you!
MONTAGE OF TOM JOURNEYING THROUGH THE CUBICLES. IT’S AN ARDUOUS JOURNEY, WITH TRIALS ALONG THE WAY. TOM TRAVERSES A ROPE BRIDGE, IS NEARLY BLINDED BY A COPY MACHINE, SWINGS ACROSS A CHASM ON A ROPE AND IS ATTACKED BY A LIZARD IN A SERVICE ANIMAL VEST. BEATS AN OLD MAN AT DOMINOS. HAS TO TALK TO A SUPER ANNOYING BUSY BODY. FOOT GETS STUCK TO FLOOR WITH GUM. HOLDS DOOR FOR SNAKE LADY. HE FINALLY ARRIVES AT CHERYL’S CUBICLE, HIS CLOTHS DISHEVELED AND BLEEDING FROM A CUT OVER HIS RIGHT EYE. THE LIGHTS ARE DULL AND FLICKERING. VOODOO DOLLS AND SHRUNKEN HEADS LINE HER SHELVES. ALL TOM CAN SEE OF THE CUBICLES OCCUPANT IS A HEAD OF JET BLACK HAIR IN DREADLOCKS. TOM IS VERY NERVOUS.
TOM
Um… Hi, I’m new. I was told to come talk to Cheryl.
CHERYL SWIVELS IN HER CHAIR REVEALING HERSELF AS A VERY PLEASANT LOOKING WOMAN IN HER 30S.
CHERYL
Oh Hello there! I’m Cheryl, how may I help you?
TOM
I’m Thomas Shepard, I just started in the mailroom.
CHERYL
Oh good! Welcome to the team! Such a shame about Reggie…
TOM
That’s what Garry said… What happened to Reggie anyw…
CHERYL SLAMS DOWN A GIANT TOME ON THE DESK
CHERYLE
Now we’ve just got to get all your paperwork signed and notarized and we’ll have you on your way!
CHERYLE TAKES TOM THROUGH THE FIRST PAGE ITS ALL BORING LEGAL
STUFF… INITIAL HERE… SIGN HERE AND SUCH. TOM BEGINS TO
DAYDREAM AND HER VOICE FADES. WE ONLY CATCH A FEW WORDS LIKE
SEXUAL HARASSMENT, ANNUAL FOOD DRIVE, DISEMBOWLMENT WAVER,
CONTRACT VIOLATION… EVERLASTING SOUL, EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER. TOM IS ROUSED FROM HIS DAYDREAM WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY PRICKS HIS FINGER ON THE FOUNTAIN PEN HE’S USING. A COUPLE OF DROPS FALL ONTO THE PAGE AND SOAK IN, VANISHING.
CHERYLE
There! You’re all set!
TOM
Did you see that!
CHERYLE
Oh! One more thing
TOM IS BLINDED BY THE FLASH OF A CAMERA.
TOM
What the hell was that?
CHERYLE
For your employee ID! Now just take this notarized contract over to payroll and you’ll be good to go!
TOM
Okay, where’s payroll
CHERYLE
Don’t worry, I’ll draw you a map
SCENE 5
INT. MAILROOM –DAY
TOM ENTERS LOOKING HAGGARD. GARRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
GARRY
Wow buddy you beat my in-processing time by 25 minutes. Impressive!
KAREN
Did you get everything squared away with HR?
TOM
Yeah… Hey is it just me, or is this place really wei…
TOM IS INTERRUPTED BY A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. WITHOUT WAITING FOR
AN INVITATION THREE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ENTER. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE SUPERMODELS WEARING POWER SUITS. THEIR NAMES ARE JENNIFER MARGO AND HIDI.
JENNIFER
Runt! Has the new letterhead come in from the printers? We ordered it like a week ago.
KAREN
Sorry Jennifer not yet. I told you I’d send Garry over the minute they came in.
GARRY APPEARS OVER MARGO’S SHOULDER.
GARRY
Hi Margo!
MARGO
Ugh! Personal space you bearded little gargoyle.
HIDI EYES TOM LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT.
HIDI
Who’s this yummy? He’s like a broken little prince.
TOM
Uh… Thanks?
KAREN
He’s a new hire… So off limits! Why are you girls even down here? Calling would have taken 5 seconds.
JENNIFER
But we wanted to see you runt! We miss you up on the 18th floor. Although, this does seem more your speed… It’s nice and… homey down here.
KAREN
I’m quite happy running this department.
JENNIFER
Oh, sweety! Keep saying it like that and one day you might even believe it. Lets go ladies, leave the runt to her letters.
THE SUPERMODELS TURN TO LEAVE. HIDI WINKS AT TOM AND HER EYES GLOW VIOLET.
HIDI
Bye, Yummy.
GARRY
Bye, Margo
MARGO ROLLS HER EYES. THE MARKETING GIRLS LEAVE
GARRY
I’d give 5 years of my life to get with that.
KAREN
You know she’d burn you up faster than a bonfire.
GARRY
Mmmm! Like a gooey blackened marshmallow!
TOM
There is seriously something broken in your brain, you know that right. So what’s the deal with tall, blond, and bitchy?
KAREN
You mean Jennifer? Oh, just typical family drama.
TOM
Wait you’re related to her?
KAREN
I’m related to all three of them sort of. Listen Tom, why don’t you go with Garry on mail delivery and get acquainted with the building.
SCENE 6
INT. DRAKE CORP HALLWAY- DAY
GARRY PUSHES A MAILCART AND TOM WALKS BESIDE HIM EVERY FEW DOORWAYS GARRY CHECKS HIS LIST AND DIGS THROUGH THE CART FOR A LETTER OR PACKAGE.
GARRY
So deliveries are pretty easy. You just check the list, find the letters or packages and voilà it’s lunchtime. Now here’s the thing about lunch. The food is great here, but eating in the cafeteria is a bit like being back in high school… or Westoros. One social fopaux and you might lose your head… or worse have to eat with the Trolls in custodial services!
GARRY NATTERS ABOUT WORKING AT DRAKE AND THE MAILROOM BUT TOM IS DISTRACTED BY WHAT HE SEES IN EACH OFFICE THEY PASS MOST ARE JUST NORMAL PEOPLE DOING WORK, BUT IN ONE OUT OF THREE SHIT GETS WEIRD. IN ONE THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND FOR A MOMENT IT APPEARS THERE IS A BODY BEING AUTOPSIED, IN ANOTHER THERE IS A HOODED FIGURE WITH WHAT SEEMS TO BE CLAWS TYPING ON A COMPUTER, AND FINALLY AN OFFICE WITH A MINIATURE STREAM RUNNING THROUGH IT COMPLETE WITH TINY WEEPING WILLOWS WITH
BIRDS IN THEIR BRANCHES. TOM PAUSES HERE, JAW AGAPE.
GARRY
Come on man! I’m leaving you behind!
TOM HURRIES TO CATCH UP.
TOM
Hey did you see that back there?
GARRY
See what? Listen man I’m gonna go on break… if you know what I mean. HE MAKES A WEED SMOKING GESTURE. Would you mind finishing this floor up? It’s super simple, just follow the list.
TOM
I don’t know man. Some weird shi…
GARRY
Look dude, just because you’re on the straight and narrow doesn’t mean I have to stop doing the things that get me through the day! It’s too easy man! You got this. I’ll meet you on floor 12 in like 15 minutes!
GARRY SLAPS TOM ON THE SHOULDER AND LEAVES AT A JOG. TOM SIGHS
AND BEGINS PUSHING THE CART. HE DELIVERS A PACKAGE AND A
COUPLE LETTERS WITHOUT INCIDENT, BUT THEN HE COMES TO A ROOM FULL OF WHITE MIST. HE PAUSES OUTSIDE FOR A MOMENT IN CONFUSION.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Come in. Come closer.
TOM HESITATES, UNCERTAIN IF HE HEARD ANYTHING…
TOM
Hello?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Come closer!
TOM TAKES A STEP INTO THE MIST AND IS IMMEDIATELY ENGULFED BY IT. THE VOICE CONTINUES TO URGE HIM FORWARD.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Come closer. Become a part of us. Closer. Yes.
TOM STARTS TO PANIC AND TURNS AROUND LOOKING FOR THE DOOR, WHICH HAS DISAPPEARED IN THE FOG.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Where are you going? Stay with us! Become part of the oneness.
TOM
HELP! HELP! Get me out of here! Can anybody help me?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Yes, give into your fear!
TOM
Please help!
GARRY (Distantly)
TOM! TOM!
GARRY GRABS TOM’S SHOULDERS AND SPINS HIM AROUND
GARRY
It’s ok buddy, I’ve got you. (to the disembodied voice) Not cool Mr. Finkelstien!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
He entered of his own free will, young Garry. It’s my right to claim him.
GARRY
This is Tom, Mr. Finklestien. He’s on the payroll! Just started in the mailroom.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Oh Goodness! Terribly sorry, young man, I hope there are no hard feelings. After all, a carnivorous mist has to eat.
TOM
What the hell is going on!
GARRY
Well you just wandered into Mr. Finklstien. Kind of rude of you by the way, just walking into people. Where do you want this package, by the way?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Oh just set it on the desk if you wouldn’t mind.
A PATH OPENS UP IN THE FOG TO REVEAL A LARGE OAK DESK. GARRY SETS THE PACKAGE DOWN ON IT AND LEADS TOM BACK INTO THE MIST.
OUTSIDE THE DOOR HE LEANS BACK IN TO TALK TO THE MIST.
GARRY
Bye, Mr. Finkelstien. I should have your Actuaries Monthly in tomorrow.
WHEN GARRY TURNS AWAY FROM THE DOOR, TOM GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR AND SHOVES HIM AGAINST THE WALL.
TOM
Garry we’ve been friends since the 4th grade, but if you don’t tell me what in the 7 hells is going on here I will trade your vintage Gundam figures for My Little Ponies.
GARRY
Joke’s on you dude, I started watching my little pony last month and it’s a beautiful show about the power of friendship!
TOM
Then I’ll set them on fire!
GARRY
Alright dude chill out! Hold on a sec.
TOM LETS GO OF GARRY WHO STARTS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE CART.
GARRY
You’re lucky I had to come back. (where is it?) Mr. Finkelstien would have had you for lunch. Which would have been a shame. It’s been a whole six months since he ate an employee. (Ah, thank god.)
GARRY PULLS HIS ARM FROM THE CART A GLASS ORANGE PIPE IN HIS HAND.
GARRY
I’ll tell you everything, but there’s no way I’m doing it straight. To the loading docks!
SCENE 7
EXT. LOADING DOCKS (DAY)
TOM IS LEANING AGAINST A WALL AND LOOKS PISSED. GARRY TAKES A HIT FROM HIS PIPE.
TOM
So are you going to tell me what the hell is going on at this place?
GARRY (Holding smoke in his lungs)
Jeez Tommy, take a moment… take a hit… calm down.
TOM
You know I don’t smoke anymore! And I don’t want to take a moment, weird shit has been happening all morning. There was a giant, and a cubicle maze, and the receptionist looked like death and then I was almost eaten by a room full of fog! What is this place, Stephen King Co.?
GARRY LETS THE SMOKE OUT OF HIS LUNGS.
GARRY
Close. This is Drake Corp. North America’s largest employer of supernatural entities.
TOM
What? There’s…
GARRY AND TOM
No such thing as
GARRY
Bla bla bla. You sound like a character in a crappy paranormal TV show that gets canceled after 4 episodes. Of course monsters are real. A room full of gas almost ate you.
Can we please skip the “monsters don’t exist” talk?
TOM SPUTTERS FOR A MOMENT THEN PULLS THE SIX MONTH CHIP OUT OF HIS POCKET SQUEEZES IT AND TAKES A CALMING BREATH.
TOM
Fine! But then why are you working here? Why not get as far from this place as possible.
GARRY
I’m not prejudiced, man! It’s nobody’s fault they were born a banshee or a monster from the black lagoon. Besides, (Takes another hit) there’s the 5-year contract to think about.
TOM
5-year contract?
GARRY
Oh good, I’m not the only one who didn’t read it before signing. Yeah man, we’re locked in here for 5 years… or at least you are. I’ve only got 3 and a half left.
TOM
So what? People break contracts all the time. We work in the mailroom for god’s sake.
Nobody’s gonna care if we quit.
GARRY
Gotta read that fine print, guy. I think the wording’s something like: Employee’s found in violation of their contract will forfeit any and all souls in their possession, including but not limited to their own, to become the property of the Drake Corporation and its subsidiaries to be used in whatever manner deemed ect. Ect.
TOM
What? No way that holds up in court. We could get a lawyer. Go public maybe! Monsters are real! We could get out of this.
GARRY
Not a chance. There’s a nondisclosure clause in the contract. The Drake Corporation’s lawyers are literal vampires and you signed that thing in blood, same as me and every other mortal in this place. You’re stuck here.
TOM
Shit.
GARRY
Nah, it’s really not that bad. Most monsters just want to make it through the day, same as us. And those that don’t… well you probably won’t end up like Reggie.
TOM
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO REGGIE?
GARRY
STOP ASKING ABOUT REGGIE IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS THOMAS. HE WAS MY FRIEND YOU DIDN’T KNOW HIM.
TOM
Okay jeez, sorry.
GARRY
It’s whatever. Look, I’m cashed, so let’s finish deliveries. And then it should be lunchtime. We can eat in the office today. The cafeteria might be a bit overwhelming for you right now.
TOM
I’m not going to get eaten by a Shelob or something, am I?
GARRY
Don’t be silly, Shelob was from Lord of the Rings… Randle in accounts is a giant spider, but he only eats people when the cafeteria runs out of goats. Let’s go!
GARRY LEADS THE WAY BACK INTO THE BUILDING.
SCENE 8
MAILROOM INTERIOR (DAY)
KAREN IS STANDING NEXT TO CLARENCE’S DESK. HE IS BLOCKED FROM VIEW BY A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK.
KAREN
Clarence your desk is a mess. This is a professional work environment you can’t just let things pile up like this.
CLARENCE
Grunt mutter Grunt
A TENTACLE WRAPS INTO FRAME FROM CLARENCES’ SIDE OF THE DESK
KAREN
Don’t give me that! Just pick up your…
GARRY BURSTS IN FOLLOWED BY TOM.
GARRY
Tom knows.
KAREN
Well that didn’t take as long as expected.
TOM
Wait, you were just waiting for me to figure out that all of my new co-workers are hell beasts?
KAREN
Well, not all of them… We hire at least 20 percent human, affirmative action and all that.
GARRY
Welcome to the minority buddy! How’s it feel?
TOM
It feels like… hey wait a minute. You got me this job!
GARRY
Yeah, I’m always looking to help a brother out.
TOM
Asshole! Why would you tell me to apply at Monsters, Inc.
KAREN
Um, actually, touchy subject… We can’t call ourselves that… Pixar is a shocking litigious company.
GARRY
You just got out of rehab, it’s not like folks were lining up around the block to hire you.
Besides, you’re my best friend and I couldn’t tell you all the cool stuff that happens here, you know on account of the blood oath thing.
TOM
Great, Garry, just great, I finally start pulling my life together and you pull this crap. Now I’m stuck working at Monster High: The Adult Years, for the next five years
KAREN
Lawsuit!
TOM
Or, more likely, until I get eaten by a werewolf.
GARRY
What, Hank the security guard? He only eats people who try to get in without a badge.
TOM
That’s three employees you’ve mentioned who have caveats to not eating people!
GARRY
Look man, I know you’re pissed, but this is actually a great place to work. Sure, a vampire might get drunk at the annual company moonlight picnic and turn you into his
thrall for the next week, but I deliver mail to Mr. Goldstein on the 80th floor. He’s a dragon, Tommy! I work with an actual dragon! And the third-floor women’s bathroom is a pocket fairy dimension. I’ve never been in there, but we work in a place with a fairy dimension! I’m sorry I got you the job without telling you this stuff, but you just got a front row seat to something regular people never get to see… unless they’re about to die violently. You get to live this stuff every day.
THERE IS A DISTANT SCREAM. GARRY SMILES UNCERTAINLY. TOM SLUMPS INTO A CHAIR AND COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS ARMS
TOM
I just wanted to have a normal job and a normal life.
KAREN
I’m sorry Tom… but this isn’t all Garry’s fault. You could have read your contract; it makes all of this pretty clear.
TOM
(Laughs) You know what? You’re 100 percent right. I guess I’m still the same screw up who drove a garbage truck into…
CUT AWAY TO TOM LAUGHING PEOPLE SCREAMING. WATER STARTS FILLING THE CAB.
KAREN
What was that
TOM
Long story… not appropriate for work. Well, since you’ve got me enslaved for the next 5 years, I may as well get to work. What do you have for me?
MONTAGE OF TOM WORKING THE REST OF THE DAY.
SCENE 9
MAIL ROOM INTERIOR (DAY)
TOM SITS AT A DESK MOPING. KAREN APPROACHES.
KAREN
Quitting time Tom.
TOM LOOKS UP AT KAREN MISERABLY BUT SAYS NOTHING.
KAREN
Look I know today was a lot to take in, but I promise it gets easier. There’s a bar, Tony’s, about a block away. Can I buy you a drink?
TOM (brightening)
YES! (Then dejectedly) No… I don’t drink.
KAREN
Oh well, then I’ll see you in the morning… Oh and remember Tom, you can’t tell anybody about the other… people who work here.
TOM
Right.
KAREN EXITS. TOM STANDS AND PUTS HIS JACKET ON AND SIGHS LOOKING AROUND THE NEW OFFICE. HE SEES A TENTACLE WRAPPED AROUND CLARENCE’S DESK.
TOM
Good night Clarence.
CLARENCE
Grumble mumble. G’night.
TOM
Good night Garry
GARRY’S HAND POPS UP FROM UNDER A PILE OF MAIL AND WAVES.
GARRY
Night buddy. See you tomorrow.
TOM
Yeah. Guess I don’t have a choice.
TOM EXITS.
SCENE 10
INTERIOR, TOM’S HOUSE, NIGHT
TOM AND HIS DAD ARE SITTING AT THE DINNER TABLE. TOM IS PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.
DAD
You haven’t said a word since you got home, son. How was your first day?
TOM
It turns out the new gig isn’t all I’d hope it would be.
TOM SMASHES HIS PEAS WITH A SPOON
DAD
Sorry to hear that Tommy, but there’s no reason to take it out on the peas, they’ve committed no crimes.
TOM
I dunno, dad, they look like shifty peas to me.
DAD
Do you want to tell me what happened?
TOM
Not really something I can talk about.
DAD
Was I right this morning? Is Drake Corp an evil corporation?
TOM STARTS LAUGHING KIND OF MANIACALLY.
TOM
Dad, you have no idea. I’m going to bed.
SCENE 11
INTERIOR, TOM’S BEDROOM, MORNING
TOM’S ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF. IT’S DEPRESSING MUSIC THIS MORNING.
TOM’S EYES OPEN, BUT HE LOOKS MISERABLE. HIS MORNING ROUTINE IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE PREVIOUS ONE. HE DOESN’T EXERCISE, OR SHAVE. HE HESITATES BEFORE PICKING UP HIS AA CHIP.
IN THE KITCHEN HE IGNORES HIS DAD AND HEADS RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.
SCENE 12
TOM STANDS IN FRONT OF A LIQUOR STORE, GAZING AT THE DISPLAY WINDOW LONGINGLY. A MAN OPENS UP A WINDOW ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
MAN
We don’t open until noon.
TOM
I don’t drink.
Man
Then shove off. You’ll scare off the winos.
TOM GIVES A LAST LONGING LOOK IN THE WINDOW AND STARTS PUSHING HIS BIKE DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
SCENE 13
SHOTS OF TOM WALKING BACK INTO DRAKE CORP PAST ALL OF THE
SAME THINGS HE PASSED ON ENTERING THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME
HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S WALKING TO THE GALLOWS. HE DOESN’T SPEAK OR MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE. WHEN HE REACHES THE DOOR TO THE MAILROOM HE PAUSES, SIGHS AND TURNS THE KNOB.
SCENE 14
INT. MAILROOM- DAY
TOM INTERS AND STARES AT A PILE OF MAIL.
TOM
Morning Garry.
GARRY (unseen in the mail pile)
Morning Tom… Still mad at me?
TOM
Probably.
GARRY
Fair enough… Listen Tom, would you mind giving me a minute? I found a lingerie catalogue in my pile last night. One thing led to another and now I don’t know where my pants are.
TOM
God, you’re disgusting… fine I’ll wait in the hall, but hurry up we’re supposed to start shift in 5 minutes.
TOM LEAVES.
SCENE 15
TOM ENTERS EYES COVERED. KAREN IS BEHIND HIM.
TOM (loudly)
I’m coming back in and Karen is with me.
GARRY IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, FEET UP DRINKING COFFEE
GARRY
I’ll alert the media. Morning, all!
KAREN
Morning Gar.
CLARENCE PUSHES PAST KAREN AND TOM IN HIS OVERCOAT MUTTERING A GOOD MORNING.
KAREN
Morning Clarence. Glad to see you’re in a good mood today.
KAREN GRABS TOM’S ARM AND LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.
KAREN
And how are you doing Tom?
TOM
I’m here. To say anything else would be giving my boss attitude.
KAREN
Hey, just because I’m your boss doesn’t mean I can’t be your friend… ugh, did I actually say that?
TOM GIVES A SMALL SMILE. KAREN IS STILL HOLDING HIS ARM.
TOM
I think you did. I’m looking at the tape… yep the judges confirm that was a hackney cliché. I think I get like five yards or a free throw for that.
KAREN
You seem like a good guy, Tom, and I think it’ll be good to have you here. This place can be a bit crazy, but we look after each other down here.
AT THIS POINT KAREN REALIZES SHE’S BEEN HOLDING TOM’S ARM THIS ENTIRE TIME AND AWKWARDLY RELEASES IT.
KAREN (now all business)
Well enough chitchat. Let’s get to work.
THE BITCHES FROM MARKETING ENTER. GARRY APPEARS AT MARGO’S
EAR
GARRY
Hi, Margo
MARGO ROLLS HER EYES, PALMS GARRY’S FACE AND SHOVES HIM BACK.
JENNIFER
Hi, Runt.
KAREN
What can I do for you Jen.
JENNIFER
You can give me the letterheads we’ve been waiting for.
KAREN
Like I told you yesterday Jen they won’t be in ‘til Thursday. You should have marked it as priority shipping if you needed it so quickly.
JENNIFER
Why would I know to do that? Do I look like I work in a mailroom? You’re supposed to handle that sort of thing. God you really are a useless little runt. They should have just
fired you when you couldn’t hack it in marketing. Why the partners ever put you in charge of anything is a mystery of titanic proportions.
KAREN LOOKS LIKE SHE’S BEING WHIPPED. TOM GETS UP AND GETS IN
JENNIFER’S FACE
TOM
Why don’t you leave her alone?
JENNIFER
Excuse me? Who do you think you’re talking to?
TOM
Oh I know exactly who I’m talking to: A bully, A bitchy little mean girl who can’t get through the day without pushing somebody into the dirt. What are you three even doing
down here? Does it take all three of you to pick up a package? Or are you just afraid that if you didn’t have your harpies with you, your victims might actually stand up for themselves?
JENNIFER
THAT’S IT. You insignificant fly I am going to eat your Kidneys! Do you understand me? I am going to make you watch while I feast on your intestines
KAREN
No you won’t, Jen.
JENNIFER
STAY OUT OF THIS RUNT!
KAREN SEEMS TO GROW AND THE ROOM AROUND HER DARKENS. HER EYES FLASH VIOLET AND SHE SNARLS LIKE AN ANIMAL.
KAREN
This is my department. My place of power. I’ve put up with your words and your jabs but I will not allow you to threaten a member of my team, now fuck off out of my mailroom.
JENNIFER GIVES AN INHUMAN HISS AND HER OWN EYES GLOW. SHE LOOKS ABOUT TO ATTACK THEN COMPOSES HERSELF.
JENNIFER
Come on ladies. Let’s get out of this dump
MARGO
But Jen, you can’t just let her talk to…
JENNIFER
I said let’s go!
THE LADIES EXIT.
GARRY
BYE MARGO…That was awesome
TOM
Yeah, a bit intense. Sorry if I was a bit too white knight back there, but…
KAREN SHOVES HIM.
KAREN
You idiot! Never try to stare down a succubus!
TOM
Succubus… Wait, what?
KAREN
Yes, Succubus! Psychic predators who feed off the sexual energy of their prey. If I hadn’t stepped in she would have sexed you into a quivering pile! And she wasn’t kidding about eating you. Jen is a truly sadistic piece of work!
TOM
God… This place is a nightmare! Wait, are all the girls in marketing are succubae? Jennifer said you used to be in marketing…
KAREN’S EXPRESSION GOES FROM ANGER TO SHAME
KAREN
It’s not like we get to choose how we’re born.
TOM
So if you’re a succubus, does that mean any time you… you know… with a guy.
KAREN
That’s a very personal question Tom.
TOM
Sorry, It’s just, you seem so nice.
GARRY THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND TOM’S SHOULDER
GARRY
Welcome to Drake Corp where even the good bosses are monsters.
ROLL CREDITS
Thanks for reading Tom in the Mail Room! If you enjoyed it hit that like button and leave a comment. For a bit more Comedy from me check out this Satire Article I wrote, Dave Grhol in every band at festival. If you’d like to check out more of my weird stories and musings about life, the universe, and the meaning of existence, then subscribe to mindful of madness. You can also find me on twitter @drewjokeringram or on Instagram @andrewingram88. Thanks, my self-esteem depends on you.
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