COLORADO SPRING, CO – Physical education teacher Grant Grinner discovered a sentient fungus while cleaning out the boy’s locker room at Northgate Middle School in Colorado Springs last week.
“Nobody had been down in the locker room since the whole (COVID-19) lockdown thing started,” Grinner said just hours after finding the thinking mold. “I knew it would be gross down there, but I never expected to make the scientific discovery of the century.”
The fungus who identifies itself as “Rick” and uses it/its pronouns seems to have gestated in the locker of 8th grader Jeremiah Rolbacher, who forgot to take his gym clothes home when the school shut down unexpectedly in April.
Rick who communicates by shifting its porous form into text vernacular words and emojis said he does not have a message for humanity.
“Lol you trippin, ima week old,” it spelled out. “Just wanna (skateboard emoji) w/ Jerry.”
While Jerry described the prospect of spending time with Rick as, “Dope,” his mother Carol Rolbacher stands firmly against reuniting her son with the fungus his sweat gave life.
“I don’t know what that thing is,” she said. “But it has no place in our home. As far as I’m concerned you can’t prove it came from Jerry’s clothes and we’re not taking responsibility for it.”
Scientists however, take issue with Mrs. Rolbacher’s assessment.
“Jerry’s DNA is clearly a part of Rick’s makeup,” says Dr. William Lester, head of the U.S. Center for disease control in Atlanta. “One could say Jerry is his father, however we’ve also determined Rick could pose a health risk to any human who comes in contact with him. After just a few days of experiments we’ve concluded Rick can and in fact seems eager to infect and hijack human brains. In fact we’re quite concerned he may have already done so. The gym teacher who discovered Rick went missing yesterday and frankly we’re concerned.”
When asked if it intended to enslave humanity, Rick spelled out “Naaaahhhh… (Winky face emoji) (Poop emoji) (Poop emoji) (Poop emoji).”
At press time Grinner has not been found though unconfirmed sightings have placed a middle aged man with a t-shirt tucked into gym shorts skateboarding in the Rolbacher’s neighborhood.
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