Breaking: Soldier gets Stars and Bars tattoo to avoid work

FORT CARSON, Colo. – Just hours after The Pentagon announced The Confederate Battle Flag could no longer be displayed on American military installations, Spc. Frank Lawrance visited a Colorado Springs tattoo parlor to emblazon the Stars and Bars on his right forearm. 

The wheeled vehicle mechanic assigned to the 4th Infantry Division’s Special Troops Battalion says the tattoo has nothing to do with his southern heritage or hatred for people of color.

“I’m from Connecticut and my family immigrated to America in the late 40s, frankly I could care less about the confederacy,” Lawrence said. “I’m just sick of doing (physical training).”

Lawrence, who served tours in Iraq, Afghanistan and Qatar during his seven year career, elaborated that he was simply over military life.

“I’m coming up on the end of my contract and don’t really see any reason I should have to show up anymore,” he said. “I go on terminal leave in three months, we aren’t gearing up for a deployment and all of the vehicles were shipped off for out of state training right before the pandemic shut down all exercises, so basically I show up every morning, run my balls off at PT, which is inflaming my already destroyed ankles, then sit around the motor pool for eight hours with guys who’ve been open mouth kissing random Tinder girls during the worst medical crisis in a century.”

Despite Lawrence’s assurances that his new ink is in no way racist, his command plans on punishing him to the full extent of military law.

“That little shit has been a pain in my ass since I got to this unit,” said Lawrence’s supervisor, 21-year-old Sgt. Tim Jackson. “I don’t care if he’s racist or not, he walked his last PT test, so I’m recommending him for an article-15.” 

When asked for comment 1st. Sgt. Jason Gary said, “I don’t have time for the liberal media.”   

Battalion Maintenance Officer, Warrant Officer 2 Cristobal Gonzalez, could not be found for comment.

Lawrence said he plans on covering up his new tattoo the second he clears Fort Carson.

“Oh yeah, I hate this racist shit,” he said. “I’ve already donated 200 dollars to Black Lives Matter out of guilt, but I’ll be damned if I spend one more minute of my time on post than I have to. I’ll probably cover it up with the Black Flag bars the day I get out.”

Thanks for reading this silly bit of nonesense! If you enjoyed it, hit that like button and leave a comment. If you’d like to check out more of my weird stories and musings about life, the universe, and the meaning of existence, then subscribe to Mindful of Madness. You can also find me on twitter @drewjokeringram or on Instagram @andrewingram88. My comedy album, “This Was A Bad Idea” is on Spotify, iTunes or pretty much anywhere else you listen to music. Thanks, my self-esteem depends on you.

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